Holding Space

What is holding space for someone? This is a concept I myself am only just starting to learn about and understand. It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control. It’s not always easy, because we have a very human tendency to want to help or fix people, and give them advice.

I have met a truly amazing person who has been teaching me this way of being through their example. I am someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, and anyone who has experienced depression in any form, understands how embarrassing it is. You don’t want people to know, you put on a brave face in front of others, you hide away and become reclusive. It has taken me years to admit to myself that I have depression, and even longer to admit it to anyone else. The fear of being judged or looked down on is very real and terrifying.

Just a little over a year ago, someone came into my life at the very right moment and it was meant to be. He understood that to truly support people in their own growth, transformation, grief, etc., you can’t do it by taking their power away by trying to fix their problems, shaming them by implying that they should know more than they do, or overwhelming them by giving them more information than they’re ready for. And for people who don’t suffer from depression, dealing with or handling someone who does, it could seem like a completely foreign concept that is very hard to relate to. Most people I met would give the standard response of “Just be positive, life isn’t that bad. Look on the bright side, everything will work out.” And this would always drive me crazy and only make me pull back even more, put on that brave face and keep pretending that everything was okay when it wasn’t.

In my darkest moments, this person was prepared to step to the side so that I could make my own choices, but he would offer unconditional love and support, give gentle guidance or advice only when it was needed, and made me feel safe even when I’d make mistakes. Sometimes the same mistakes over and over. He gave me permission to trust my own intuition and wisdom, even when I’d beg to just be told what to do because I didn’t feel strong enough or capable enough of making my own choices. You see, when people are learning, growing, or going through grief or a transition, they are bound to make some mistakes along the way. When we, as their space holders, withhold judgement and shame, we offer them the opportunity to reach inside themselves to find the courage to take risks and the resilience to keep going even when they fail. When we let them know that failure is simply a part of the journey and not the end of the world, they’ll spend less time beating themselves up for it and more time learning from their mistakes.

Holding space is about respecting each person’s differences and recognizing that those differences may lead to them making choices that we would not make. Sometimes, for example, they make choices based on cultural norms that we can’t understand from within our own experience. When we hold space, we release control and we honour differences. I’ve been taking this knowledge and doing my best to apply it in my everyday life, with family, friends and even co-workers. I have seen the benefits of having space held for me, even though it may sometimes be difficult and I just want someone to take charge and tell me how to fix the problems I face, give me the answers, or take control. I have been slowly becoming a stronger and more independent person because of it, I feel safe when I express my deepest feelings and thoughts no matter how dark.

This is a concept that would help so many others like myself who suffer in silence because they fear judgement and ridicule. I understand how hard it is to talk to or live with someone who is depressed, and I’ve always hated being that person. It’s an uphill battle that I still face daily, but with love, support and understanding I will continue to make progress and turn my life around.