Creating Relationship Boundaries

This is an important “relationship” topic to talk about. It is the topic of setting boundaries. So often in relationships, words like ‘boundary’ and ‘individual’ are frowned upon for whatever reason. In reality, setting boundaries to protect both your and your partner’s individualism is necessary for a truly happy and healthy relationship.

When you love someone so wholeheartedly it is difficult to tell where your needs should end and theirs are to begin. You want to give them the world even if it means sacrificing your own. While this is okay every now and again (depending upon the circumstances at hand), it is important to set boundaries so that you do not become lost in the desires of another while neglecting your own. This is a skill that has been taking me many years to hone, and not always the easiest to do, especially for women who naturally have an overly nurturing nature and want to give completely of themselves to their partner.

My personal experience with this in regards to past relationships is that I allowed myself to get lost in the life, needs, goals, and dreams of my partners that I completely lost my own identity. Something which took me years of struggle to regain.

Here are four reasons why setting boundaries in your relationship are so important:

Boundaries allow you to maintain your own energy and aura – We all have a spiritual aura about us. This aura is your own and should not be shared or stolen (even if stolen unintentionally) by others, not even the ones in your life that you love the most. When you and your partner fell in love with each other, you fell in love with the individual people. Their aura attracted you to them and vice-versa. When we become possessive of one another we overtake that aura and the individual is lost. Boundaries prevent possession and negative emotions from overtaking the relationship. When you lose your identity to another, you lose the spark that attracted your partner to you in the first place. This is where people start to drift apart, become disinterested and unhappy in the relationship.

Boundaries allow us to stay on a path where there is no place for codependency- When a partner is in need of excessive taking care of and attention from their significant other, codependency creeps in resulting in self-loss, loss of freedom, and extreme emotions of stress, guilt, and unhappiness. For this reason, boundaries in a relationship are important beyond belief. You must set boundaries so that you do not feel responsible for the other person’s problems.  Allow them to take responsibility for their own lives and refuse to take on the guilt. Whenever anyone starts to feel like they have lost their freedom, especially men, it results in second guessing the relationship, cold feet, and a desperate need to get away and explore other options. So, the very act of codependency to hold onto your partner only ends up pushing them away faster. And in the end, you’ve taken on their stress, their goals and dreams to the detriment of your own and lose them in the process and are stuck trying to figure who you are once again. You should never give up you for them. In a relationship with boundaries, there is no room for codependency.

That brings us to the next point:

Boundaries forbid others from taking advantage – Setting walls between you and your partner that does not allow them to take advantage of your love and kindness is extremely important. It is not your job to live their life for them, but rather you should live together as equals and share in the happy times and support through the bad times. If one is constantly taking advantage of the other, mutuality and equal love does not exist in the relationship. When you start to notice that your relationship has become one sided, either emotionally, financially, mentally, or physically…you must setup boundaries to protect your own dignity and self respect. If you do not, you are actively participating in your own abuse. Setting up walls doesn’t mean that you are holding your partner at a distance. It just means that you won’t allow yourself to be used or exploited. If you don’t have respect for yourself, how can you expect your partner too?

Boundaries allow us to explore talents and interest that our partners may not share –  If you always do what your partner wants to do and refuse to explore your own interests, you become nothing more than a puppet to another’s desires. No one wants to live as an extension of someone else. It’s much better to maintain your own life so at the end of the day you and your partner actually have lives to share. After all, isn’t that the point?

What are the takeaways?

In the end, relationships without boundaries will likely become miserable, codependent, and likely to be filled with anger and resentment and result in coming to an end. One person will become sick due to enabling while the other completely lost in the desires of others. That’s a place no one should be, especially not the ones you love more than anything. Most relationships have a lifespan. Some, longer than others. The average lifespan of relationships these days is approximately 7-10 years. Because even though you’re giving it your best shot, you love each other so much and you want to do everything you can to hold it together…if you don’t prepare for it, there will come a time when people realize that maybe they’ve lost a bit of who they are as an individual. They feel trapped and have an overwhelming need to “rediscover” themselves, try new things, meet new people. It’s only natural.

So, if you keep this in mind throughout your relationships, you can actually setup boundaries in many areas of in your lives that will pre-empt these negative emotions from occurring. Giving each other the space needed to explore new things, meet new people, go places and see things. Live life as an individual human being with individual, original thoughts and ideas. Keep your partner interested in you and keep that spark alive that drew them to you in the first place and not allowing your relationship to become stagnate and tired.

Ask yourself this question, what kind of boundaries do you have with your partner? They may not like it if you don’t already have some in place, but it’s never too late to start setting boundaries and building upon them. If your partner gets upset as a result (and that is often the case) then that only proved that you have a greater need for boundaries.

How To Lay The Ground Work For Insight To Grow

What makes all this trouble in our lives?

Our own counterproductive emotions. Once they are generated, they harm us both superficially and deeply. These emotions accomplish nothing but trouble from start to finish. If we tried to counteract each one individually, we would find ourselves in an endless struggle. So what is the root cause?

All counterproductive emotions are based on ignorance of the true nature of things, its important to gain insight into how we and other things actually exist, and it is crucial to think about these things over and over again.

In order to generate a state that allows us to penetrate clear through to reality, we must first correct our mistaken ideas about existence.

Ignorance in this context is not just a lack of knowledge – it is an active misapprehension of the nature of things. It mistakenly assumes that people and things exist in and of themselves, by way of their own nature. This concept can be hard to grasp, but it’s important to identify this faulty perception, for it is the source of destructive emotions such as anger and hatred.

We need to recognize, at least in a rough way, what we are wrongly superimposing before we can understand how we really exist, and who we really are. We perceive everything around us through the eyes of our own personal experiences and misconceptions, it doesn’t mean that our perceptions are in anyway accurate, and we need to recognize this. 

What we see around us seems to exist independently, without depending on other factors and this is not the case. By giving people and things this exaggerated status, we are drawn into all sorts of overblown and ultimately hurtful emotions which causes sadness, anger and hate.

You, and other beings and objects do not exist the way they appear to; they are not concrete. And to develop a correct assessment of who you are, you need to appreciate the difference between how you appear to your own mind, and how you actually exist.

The first step to insight, peace and happiness is to recognize and understand these simple truths.

Letting Go

After a two-year, six-month relationship with a handsome, adventurous, space needing, independent man, I was at the end of my rope, so to speak. But let me back up. I knew exactly what I was getting into when it all started, as he was always very honest with me.

I’m not sure if it was his charming, boyishly good looks, his endearing tender nature, or the fact that there was always a mystery about him and I never felt like I ever really “had” him. But I was hooked from the beginning. I tried for months to pretend like he didn’t influence me, and I was cool with our casual relationship, but after 4 months I had to tell him the truth about how I felt, even though I knew it wasn’t what he wanted.

He explained what he wanted and needed (which was to travel the world without anyone or anything to hold him back from living every part of life to the fullest), I explained what I wanted (a deeper, more committed relationship), and it just didn’t match up. We tried to end things on multiple occasions, but somehow always ended up back into each others’ arms *ahem*, and life. And despite his best efforts, he ending up falling for me even though it seemed like very inconvenient timing.

Our relationship was fire, yet it was also easy. He made me come alive, he inspired me to dream about a life I only imagined in my dreams, and I in turn helped him open up in a way he hadn’t been able to before with anyone else. Communication being one of his weaker traits.

Being about 5 years older than him, and much less capable of handling the gaps of 2-3 months between seeing each other that he suggested, I suddenly felt a strong urge to move on. I was craving the next part of my life, whether with him, or without. Though, the very thought or idea of him not being in my life made my stomach do flips and would bring on pure panic attacks.

For months I was constantly wanting more from him and blaming him when he couldn’t or wouldn’t give it. To me, “more” meant promising to see me, make more of an effort to keep me in his life, spending more time and arguing less when we were together (despite the immense amount of pressure I put on every visit), and communicating with me more often when we were apart. I’m ashamed to say I tried to pressure him into changing his mind about leaving.

Constantly terrified that I would lose him, it felt like I was hanging on to something I wasn’t sure I could even handle, or perhaps wanted for the wrong reasons. In my over-analysis of it all, I was becoming desperate, and depressed.

I was barely surviving the relationship, let alone thriving, which is what I really wanted. I couldn’t force the result I wanted, and I felt powerless. I figured it wasn’t meant to be. And yet, when we were together, it felt like we were.

 

I started to look at the situation with objective eyes and realized what didn’t work for me and what did.

 

A decision is rational, where a choice is intuitive. A decision is logical and reasonable, while a choice feels right on a gut level. A decision could be explained by reasons, where a choice is based on personal preference. A decision is driven by external expectations, where a choice is driven by intrinsic proclivity. A decision appeases others, where a choice is satisfying to the self. A decision is comfortable while a choice could be uncomfortable.

Selecting a partner can be a decision or a choice. If you select your partner because your family or friends like him/her or think he/she is cool, then you are making a decision. However, if you select a partner because he/she makes you feel like your best self, fulfilled, and grateful, then this is a choice. And that’s exactly what he is for me. I am better when I’m with him. The choice was easy.

 

I prefer finding ways to compare those lofty ideas with things I can really wrap my head around.

 

The truth was that I was terrified. Terrified that when he left to go travel and explore the world, he would forget me, think his life with me was mundane and boring. Perhaps he’d find someone else that he liked better. Maybe I simply wasn’t good enough. After all, I’m older and not as pretty as other girls we’d encounter on our outings and trips, or even as active as someone his age. On top of all this, my back issues which hinder me from being able to do all the things I’d like too felt like a crutch that could possibly diminish his attraction for me. I had also already done a lot of traveling and had  more travel, life and relationship experiences than him.

What I realized by going through all this in my head, was that the problem wasn’t with him, it was with me, I was just insecure. I was making up excuses in my mind as to why it would end. The actual truth, is that we are simply in two different places in our lives at this moment in time. But despite that, we both believe that we are soulmates who simply met at the wrong time but are destined to be together. I knew I couldn’t be selfish and hold him back from living his life.

I knew I needed to let go of all my fears, worry, stress…and yes, even him. If that’s what was needed, and I would have to learn to be okay with it. The kind of letting go that involves a conscious choice versus a physical action, can be extremely challenging and scary. It can also be painful as hell if it’s not something you’re ready to do: especially if your heart and mind are singing two different songs.

I’ve been learning that we must accept the person we are in this moment, and the way other people are, too. As time goes on, we continue to learn that things don’t always go as planned — actually, they pretty much never do. And that’s okay: If you become aware of yourself and your part of your relationships, they will improve; however, you may also have to accept facts about certain people in your life. And the fact was, he wasn’t ready for a relationship, even though he gave it a valiant try over the past few years.

So letting go in this sense is releasing all doubt, worry, and fear about a situation, person or outcome. It’s releasing anything that disrupts your happiness and no longer serves you on your journey. It was clear that after two and a half wonderful years, our journeys needed to separate. Hopefully not for long, as we plan to stay in touch and keep a part of our relationship going, even if not in the traditional sense. Maybe during this time we meet others, and maybe not. But I can’t keep worrying about the “what if’s”. If I force him to stay, he will always regret it and resent me, and any shred of relationship would be doomed anyway.

Although I’m still working on this, it’s important to constantly be in observance of your thoughts without attaching yourself to what it is you’re thinking. You can’t change another person, so don’t waste your time and energy trying. I think this is the biggest factor that pushes people to hold onto unhelpful behaviors.

In every moment, you have that choice — to continue to feel bad about another person’s actions, or to start feeling good. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness, and not put such power into the hands of another person.

Fully accepting the situation as it is without constantly wishing it would be different is really the only way to getting on the road to being okay. And this isn’t only about accepting situations. We have to start accepting people for who they are as well and believing them when they show us their true character.

This year has inspired me to work harder at letting go of self-loathing, insecurities, unnecessary hurt, unrealistic expectations and timelines, comparing myself to others, and obsessively worrying about things far beyond my control. I owe it to myself to be more kind to me.

Choices have the advantage of lasting longer than decisions. If your relationship is going to go the distance, make sure it is a choice!

Varadero, nothing bad happens here.

The Hicacos Peninsula, better known as Varadero, is the largest and one of the most popular beach resort in Cuba. Situated between the Bay of Cárdenas and the Straits of Florida, some 140 km east of Havana, at the eastern end of the Via Blanca highway. Its pristine 21 km (13 mi) long white sand beach is considered by many to be one of the most beautiful in the world. Although fantastic, the beaches of Varadero pale in comparison to those of Zanzibar in my opinion (which is still by far my favorite beach experience).

Aside from its most valued resource, the beach, Varadero has natural attractions such as caves and a chain of easily accessed virgin cays. There are also cultural, historical and environmental attractions in the vicinity, such as the cities of Matanzas and Cárdenas, the Zapata Peninsula and the resort of San Miguel de los Baños. Varadero, which is a free port, also possesses facilities for scuba diving, deep-sea fishing, yachting and other water sports. I was fortunate enough to be able to do some snorkeling even through the weather wasn’t at it’s best during my stay in January 2018. Of course, anything beats the cold, harsh winters of Calgary, so I’m not complaining.

Thousands of visitors come to Varadero every year to relax and enjoy the calm turquoise waters and warm sun of this Caribbean paradise, the water is just perfect for swimming and relaxing unlike the rougher beaches of Cancun with it’s large waves. But Varadero has much more to offer than just a glorious beach. Although it lacks some of the cultural-rich environment found in colonial cities such as Havana or Santiago de Cuba, Varadero still provides the vibrant Cuban culture with its numerous art galleries, museums, cabarets, quaint bars and cafes, handicrafts markets, live music, cigar and rum shops, etc.

We booked our tickets through Sunwing for an all-inclusive stay at Barceló Solymar. The first night I was a little sketched out since the room was old and run down, the shower didn’t work too well, and we woke to the sound of construction at 6AM. Luckily, after we asked to move, our next room was pleasant enough. Mind you, it’s not really what one would consider a 4-star resort in a first world country, but we already knew what we were in for and we weren’t planning on spending that much time in the room anyway.

Although my back prevented me from being too adventurous on this trip, Varadero provides nature lovers many hiking trails, caves, ancient wall paintings, and the fauna and flora of the Varahicacos Ecological Reserve. Perhaps on my next visit I’ll be strong enough to try some out.

Something to note, is how safe everything seemed. I loved being able to walk the streets with ease, regardless of the time, not worried or feeling stressed that something bad might happen (as seems to be the case in the many places in Mexico I’ve been). There was a saying I heard many times on the trip which made me smile, “Nothing bad happens here, it’s Cuba!”.

 

Barceló Solymar is walking distance to a lot of the most popular clubs and bars, so it was convenient for getting around and not needing to pay for transportation. Though, just for fun we did take a ride on one of the little open-air yellow taxis which were great fun. Most of the vacationers at that time were from Quebec, so almost everyone was speaking French. Lucky for me, my partner in crime is fluent which helped us make lots of friends during our stay. Because of the very relaxed environment, everyone was very friendly and welcoming. We became regulars within a few different social groups which kept things interesting.

 

So, if you’re looking for a very inexpensive vacation, I would 100% recommend Varadero.

You Are Responsible for Your Own Happiness

Our thoughts affect our body.

Have you ever found that you just can’t stop thinking about someone — what they did or said, and how they hurt you by their actions? When someone hurts you, or gossips behind your back, do you get stuck thinking about it for hours, or even days?
Maybe you’re washing dishes, driving, or walking the dog but you can’t stop thinking about how unkind, untrue and self-centered the things that person said were. Their image and their words keep resurfacing. Three hours, three days, three weeks later, there they are — you see their face in front of you, even if you haven’t seen them in all that time.

Hurtful words can stay with us for days, as we think about them again and again.

How can we stop feeling embroiled in other people’s craziness? How can we stop thinking about a person or situation — what we should have, or could have, done differently — when the same thoughts keep looping back and playing through our mind, again and again?

Or maybe, for you, it’s not about a person. It’s about what you got or didn’t get, what you need but don’t have; what just isn’t right in your life. Usually, of course, there is a person involved whom you feel deserves blame for whatever is wrong.

The Physical Effects

This is all toxic cyclical thinking. And most of us know that this kind of ruminating is both emotionally and physically harmful to us.

In fact, studies show that a ruminating mind is an unhappy and unhealthy mind. When our mind is unhappily fraught with replaying altercations, resentments or losses, we marinate in a cascade of harmful inflammatory stress chemicals and hormones, linked to almost every disease we can name. Increasingly, scientists can pinpoint how ruminating plays a role in diseases including depression, cancer, heart disease, and autoimmune disease. The stress chemicals we wallow in are far worse for us than the thing that brought them on in the first place.

Cultivating a Healthy Mind

Most people work so hard to remove whatever is toxic from their lives; maybe you buy organic, avoid unhealthy foods, and remove chemicals from your home. Yet, most people put very little concerted effort into trying to removing toxins from their minds. What is the solution for getting rid of toxic thinking?

We can nourish a healthy mind with our thoughts and mindfulness.

These 10 small, but powerful, ideas work for me. Many are based on teachings from today’s leaders in mindfulness psychology and meditation. Choose the ones that resonate most with you.

 
1. Less said, more time
Saying less and letting more time pass when dealing with a difficult, reactive person is almost always a smart move. It allows us to simmer down, let it go, and take the high road. Often, with time, the thing we’re annoyed about just falls away. We often feel the need to respond and react to difficult people or situations right away, which is why we stew so much over what to say or do next. Some Buddhist psychologist suggests that instead, we simply give ourselves permission to wait and see what happens next.

 
2. Move away from the blame game
Picking apart past events and trying to assign blame (including blaming oneself) is rarely productive. Bad things and misunderstandings most often ‘happen’ through a series of events; like a domino effect. Generally, no one person is entirely to blame for the end result. Blaming others is counterproductive.

 
3. Deal with your biggest problem first
No matter what’s happened, the biggest problem we face is our own anger. Our anger creates a cloud of emotion that keeps us from responding in a cogent, productive way. In that sense, our anger really is our biggest problem. Deal with yourself — meditate, exercise, take a long walk, say less and give it more time, whatever it takes — before you deal with anyone else.

 
4. Don’t try to figure others out
Ask yourself, if others tried to figure out what you’re thinking, or what your motivations are, how right do you think they’d be? They probably wouldn’t have a clue as to what’s really going through your mind. So why try to figure out what others are thinking? Chances are, you would be wrong, which means all that ruminating would be a colossal waste of time.

 
5. Your thoughts are not facts
Don’t treat them as if they are. In other words, don’t believe everything you think. We experience our emotions — anxiety, tension, fear and stress keenly in our bodies. Our emotions are physical. We often take this as a sign that our thoughts must be facts. How could we feel so bad if our feelings weren’t true? When we’re emotionally hijacked by worry, regret, fear, anxiety, and anger, to remember that the emotional and physical state we experience is “real but not true”.

 
6. How can you grow from this?
When we are locked in anger, taking offence over something said or done, making judgments, or fuming over how we were treated, we only add to our own reservoir of suffering. An event + our reaction = suffering. When we’re able to be present with our feelings and inquire why we’re experiencing such a strong reaction, and what our feelings tell us about ourselves, it becomes a learning opportunity. An event + inquiry + presence = growth. Center your thoughts on growth.

 
7. You’re not a time traveler
When we churn over past events, we often search for how we might have done things differently to prevent a regrettable outcome. But what happened yesterday is as much in the past as what happened a thousand or more years ago. We can’t change what took place way back then, just like we can’t change what happened a week ago.

 
8. Forgive, for your sake
It is not necessary to be loyal to your suffering. We are so loyal to our suffering, focusing on the trauma of ‘what happened to me.’ Yes, it happened. Yes, it was horrible. But is that what defines you? Forgiveness is not something we do just for the other person. We forgive so that we can live free of the acute suffering that comes with holding onto the past. In other words, forgive for you.

 
9. Send them loving kindness
When you can’t stop thinking about someone who’s hurt you or who’s driving you crazy, try to imagine yourself sending them a beautiful ball of white light. Place them in that ball of light. Surround them with it, holding that white light around them, until your anger fades. Try it, it really works.

 
10. The 90 second rule
To free your mind, you first have to break your thought pattern. After 90 seconds an emotion will arise and fall. It only takes ninety seconds to shift out of a mood state, including anger. Give yourself ninety seconds — about 15 deep in and out breaths — to not think about that person or situation. And you’ll find that you’ve broken that thought cycle, and the hold your thoughts had on you.

 
Human interaction is imperfect. We each have our own beliefs, habits, mannerisms, triggers and insecurities, so it is inevitable that people will bring up emotions in us; even if they don’t intend to. But by using these practices to work through tricky thoughts and feelings, we can liberate ourselves from the relentless broken record in our minds, and instead strengthen our relationship with ourselves, as well as those around us.

Holding Space

What is holding space for someone? This is a concept I myself am only just starting to learn about and understand. It means that we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control. It’s not always easy, because we have a very human tendency to want to help or fix people, and give them advice.

I have met a truly amazing person who has been teaching me this way of being through their example. I am someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, and anyone who has experienced depression in any form, understands how embarrassing it is. You don’t want people to know, you put on a brave face in front of others, you hide away and become reclusive. It has taken me years to admit to myself that I have depression, and even longer to admit it to anyone else. The fear of being judged or looked down on is very real and terrifying.

Just a little over a year ago, someone came into my life at the very right moment and it was meant to be. He understood that to truly support people in their own growth, transformation, grief, etc., you can’t do it by taking their power away by trying to fix their problems, shaming them by implying that they should know more than they do, or overwhelming them by giving them more information than they’re ready for. And for people who don’t suffer from depression, dealing with or handling someone who does, it could seem like a completely foreign concept that is very hard to relate to. Most people I met would give the standard response of “Just be positive, life isn’t that bad. Look on the bright side, everything will work out.” And this would always drive me crazy and only make me pull back even more, put on that brave face and keep pretending that everything was okay when it wasn’t.

In my darkest moments, this person was prepared to step to the side so that I could make my own choices, but he would offer unconditional love and support, give gentle guidance or advice only when it was needed, and made me feel safe even when I’d make mistakes. Sometimes the same mistakes over and over. He gave me permission to trust my own intuition and wisdom, even when I’d beg to just be told what to do because I didn’t feel strong enough or capable enough of making my own choices. You see, when people are learning, growing, or going through grief or a transition, they are bound to make some mistakes along the way. When we, as their space holders, withhold judgement and shame, we offer them the opportunity to reach inside themselves to find the courage to take risks and the resilience to keep going even when they fail. When we let them know that failure is simply a part of the journey and not the end of the world, they’ll spend less time beating themselves up for it and more time learning from their mistakes.

Holding space is about respecting each person’s differences and recognizing that those differences may lead to them making choices that we would not make. Sometimes, for example, they make choices based on cultural norms that we can’t understand from within our own experience. When we hold space, we release control and we honour differences. I’ve been taking this knowledge and doing my best to apply it in my everyday life, with family, friends and even co-workers. I have seen the benefits of having space held for me, even though it may sometimes be difficult and I just want someone to take charge and tell me how to fix the problems I face, give me the answers, or take control. I have been slowly becoming a stronger and more independent person because of it, I feel safe when I express my deepest feelings and thoughts no matter how dark.

This is a concept that would help so many others like myself who suffer in silence because they fear judgement and ridicule. I understand how hard it is to talk to or live with someone who is depressed, and I’ve always hated being that person. It’s an uphill battle that I still face daily, but with love, support and understanding I will continue to make progress and turn my life around.