After a two-year, six-month relationship with a handsome, adventurous, space needing, independent man, I was at the end of my rope, so to speak. But let me back up. I knew exactly what I was getting into when it all started, as he was always very honest with me.
I’m not sure if it was his charming, boyishly good looks, his endearing tender nature, or the fact that there was always a mystery about him and I never felt like I ever really “had” him. But I was hooked from the beginning. I tried for months to pretend like he didn’t influence me, and I was cool with our casual relationship, but after 4 months I had to tell him the truth about how I felt, even though I knew it wasn’t what he wanted.
He explained what he wanted and needed (which was to travel the world without anyone or anything to hold him back from living every part of life to the fullest), I explained what I wanted (a deeper, more committed relationship), and it just didn’t match up. We tried to end things on multiple occasions, but somehow always ended up back into each others’ arms *ahem*, and life. And despite his best efforts, he ending up falling for me even though it seemed like very inconvenient timing.
Our relationship was fire, yet it was also easy. He made me come alive, he inspired me to dream about a life I only imagined in my dreams, and I in turn helped him open up in a way he hadn’t been able to before with anyone else. Communication being one of his weaker traits.
Being about 5 years older than him, and much less capable of handling the gaps of 2-3 months between seeing each other that he suggested, I suddenly felt a strong urge to move on. I was craving the next part of my life, whether with him, or without. Though, the very thought or idea of him not being in my life made my stomach do flips and would bring on pure panic attacks.
For months I was constantly wanting more from him and blaming him when he couldn’t or wouldn’t give it. To me, “more” meant promising to see me, make more of an effort to keep me in his life, spending more time and arguing less when we were together (despite the immense amount of pressure I put on every visit), and communicating with me more often when we were apart. I’m ashamed to say I tried to pressure him into changing his mind about leaving.
Constantly terrified that I would lose him, it felt like I was hanging on to something I wasn’t sure I could even handle, or perhaps wanted for the wrong reasons. In my over-analysis of it all, I was becoming desperate, and depressed.
I was barely surviving the relationship, let alone thriving, which is what I really wanted. I couldn’t force the result I wanted, and I felt powerless. I figured it wasn’t meant to be. And yet, when we were together, it felt like we were.
I started to look at the situation with objective eyes and realized what didn’t work for me and what did.
A decision is rational, where a choice is intuitive. A decision is logical and reasonable, while a choice feels right on a gut level. A decision could be explained by reasons, where a choice is based on personal preference. A decision is driven by external expectations, where a choice is driven by intrinsic proclivity. A decision appeases others, where a choice is satisfying to the self. A decision is comfortable while a choice could be uncomfortable.
Selecting a partner can be a decision or a choice. If you select your partner because your family or friends like him/her or think he/she is cool, then you are making a decision. However, if you select a partner because he/she makes you feel like your best self, fulfilled, and grateful, then this is a choice. And that’s exactly what he is for me. I am better when I’m with him. The choice was easy.
I prefer finding ways to compare those lofty ideas with things I can really wrap my head around.
The truth was that I was terrified. Terrified that when he left to go travel and explore the world, he would forget me, think his life with me was mundane and boring. Perhaps he’d find someone else that he liked better. Maybe I simply wasn’t good enough. After all, I’m older and not as pretty as other girls we’d encounter on our outings and trips, or even as active as someone his age. On top of all this, my back issues which hinder me from being able to do all the things I’d like too felt like a crutch that could possibly diminish his attraction for me. I had also already done a lot of traveling and had more travel, life and relationship experiences than him.
What I realized by going through all this in my head, was that the problem wasn’t with him, it was with me, I was just insecure. I was making up excuses in my mind as to why it would end. The actual truth, is that we are simply in two different places in our lives at this moment in time. But despite that, we both believe that we are soulmates who simply met at the wrong time but are destined to be together. I knew I couldn’t be selfish and hold him back from living his life.
I knew I needed to let go of all my fears, worry, stress…and yes, even him. If that’s what was needed, and I would have to learn to be okay with it. The kind of letting go that involves a conscious choice versus a physical action, can be extremely challenging and scary. It can also be painful as hell if it’s not something you’re ready to do: especially if your heart and mind are singing two different songs.
I’ve been learning that we must accept the person we are in this moment, and the way other people are, too. As time goes on, we continue to learn that things don’t always go as planned — actually, they pretty much never do. And that’s okay: If you become aware of yourself and your part of your relationships, they will improve; however, you may also have to accept facts about certain people in your life. And the fact was, he wasn’t ready for a relationship, even though he gave it a valiant try over the past few years.
So letting go in this sense is releasing all doubt, worry, and fear about a situation, person or outcome. It’s releasing anything that disrupts your happiness and no longer serves you on your journey. It was clear that after two and a half wonderful years, our journeys needed to separate. Hopefully not for long, as we plan to stay in touch and keep a part of our relationship going, even if not in the traditional sense. Maybe during this time we meet others, and maybe not. But I can’t keep worrying about the “what if’s”. If I force him to stay, he will always regret it and resent me, and any shred of relationship would be doomed anyway.
Although I’m still working on this, it’s important to constantly be in observance of your thoughts without attaching yourself to what it is you’re thinking. You can’t change another person, so don’t waste your time and energy trying. I think this is the biggest factor that pushes people to hold onto unhelpful behaviors.
In every moment, you have that choice — to continue to feel bad about another person’s actions, or to start feeling good. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness, and not put such power into the hands of another person.
Fully accepting the situation as it is without constantly wishing it would be different is really the only way to getting on the road to being okay. And this isn’t only about accepting situations. We have to start accepting people for who they are as well and believing them when they show us their true character.
This year has inspired me to work harder at letting go of self-loathing, insecurities, unnecessary hurt, unrealistic expectations and timelines, comparing myself to others, and obsessively worrying about things far beyond my control. I owe it to myself to be more kind to me.
Choices have the advantage of lasting longer than decisions. If your relationship is going to go the distance, make sure it is a choice!
Michelle Lavigne Author 